n t m y

⳩ - Fri, 28 Feb 2025 2:37:09 PM

SXQncyBvY2N1cmVkIHRvIG1lIHRoYXQgSSd2ZSBiZWd1biB0byBzaGFyZSB0aGlzIHNpdGUgd2l0aCB0b28gbWFueSBwZW9wbGUgYW5kIEkgYW0gaW50ZXJlc3RlZCBpbiBzYXlpbmcgdGhpbmdzIHRoYXQgSSByZWFsbHkgb25seSB3YW50IG1lIHRvIGJlIGFibGUgdG8gcmVhZC4KCkxpZmUgZG9lc24ndCBmZWVsIHJlYWwgYW55bW9yZS4gSSBkb24ndCB3YW50IGl0IHRvIGJlLgoKSXQncyBiZWVuIGEgdG91Z2ggRmVicnVhcnkuIEl0IG5ldmVyIGVuZHMuCgpNeSBsb3ZlIHdhcyB0YWtlbiBmcm9tIG1lIGFuZCBpdCBmZWVscyBsaWtlIEknbGwgbmV2ZXIgZ2V0IGhlciBiYWNrLg==

Tags: diary

not excluded

⳩ - Wed, 12 Feb 2025 8:26:11 PM

is youthful adventure still possible?

& the sincerity available—

to do the irrational thing:

do you know who you are?

desire is the human condition.

-- ask --

wanting & waiting,

God, please show me a new thing.

-- answer --

The answer I got shortly after this post last night was Matthew 7:7-8, specifically: knock, and it shall be opened unto you. It's the marriage point of desire and faith. Thank you God.

Admittedly, even amidst my desire there is a higher part of me that knows whatever I do to, the ache probably never stops. It would be nice to know know that, said twice for emphasis, without having to make such a great commitment (in the name of exploration: to finally know, if that were even possible) that the remainder of my life is begrudgingly spent in service of the act—quicksand.

Maybe there's no way around it.

Charls Carroll made Mr. Pregnant (it has a lot of graphic adult content, you don't need to see it), and then actually had a family, so I really don't know if this is something you can overcome, maybe you just can't, maybe there's something fun about that, that we never get out of this thing we're in.

(Mr. Pregant is a comedy sketch where a guy finds out that his girlfriend is a camgirl, and he calls her about it, confrontation, and she flips it on him and says, "I do this because your work doesn't pay for all we need, I could throw you out, I could pack up your stuff." and the guy says "Pack it!". And he tells her that he could be a dad by himself. It's like his higher self won.)

In that moment though. I don't think that victory is sustainable. New agers, I think, they think can reach an enlightened higher self state and stay there, I don't think you can. In Christianity there's a constant conflict between the new man and the old man, the spirit and the flesh. I don't think we ever actually really win that conflict until He gives us our regenerated bodies.

There's a tweet, "impurity at any stage in your life will live with you forever, a burden that you must forever carry", there're also people clean from drugs for over a decade. I don't know how to console those two things. I don't know how to be. Repression and overcoming are two different things, are peace and acceptance?

過剰な摂取で すでに中毒 (There's no way out, I'm already addicted)
溢れだす この気持ち (My heart is gonna overflow)

Tags: diary

the void

⳩ - Thu, 06 Feb 2025 8:46:29 AM

I get the feeling that He's so grand that nothing else is satisfactory in comparison, though we try, and our souls know it: we use all manner of drugs to try and experience in this body what only our souls know is possible, in what is essentially marriage to God.

Girl love is like the world shining on you and then it discards you or it fades away or becomes sour, maybe it was always that way, fake, but it feels nice in the moment. In spite.

These two things I want and can't have. I'm outside of my body and trapped in it.

Can you please
Tell me what I'm doing?
I don't know
Swear I haven't got a clue
It's all new

If I curse
If I should accuse you
Please tell me that I'm wrong
If I'm worse
I'm just scared to lose you
I've wanted this too long

Tags: God

seven stars

⳩ - Wed, 29 Jan 2025 5:21:32 PM

I want to put into writing the things I've been learning these past few months.

Please forgive the fragmented state of this post, try to see it for what it is.

-- Attachment --

We have a void in our hearts and we try to fill it with things. It probably is only able to be filled by God's love, but knowing that with your mind is different than knowing that with your soul. For that reason we are attached to the idea that some specific thing will complete us, and we try to experience that completeness. Ideally we get to try and see that our specific thing doesn't work, and we can move on and rest with God. However, if the thing you think will complete you is something you cannot get, it causes restlessness and hunger. This is what it's like to be a void. How many times does the addict have to use a drug until he gets tired of it?

-- AA/12 Steps and Grace --

In AA/12 step writing, an addict must first admit powerlessness over his condition and then ask God for help. The first part is surrender, and the second part is grace. Grace being help that is given to us by God, that we do not deserve. Salvation is that way.

-- Grace and what I am bad at --

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17 KJV

Since every good gift and every perfect gift is from God, it can be inferred that nothing I on my own do actually amounts to anything good. I am trying my best all the time every day, and it turns out that I'm actually not capable of anything. The difference between me and a fentanyl addict is grace. And even then, the addict might be closer to God's grace than a rich person: break our hearts down so we can accept His gift. We are all trying our best, and our best is nothing. I need grace to be able to do anything, to receive anything good.

-- Can I move in with you? --

This video spoke to me because it spoke to the idea that no solutions are stored in my mind. I can't think past my problems. God has solutions and grace that He can choose to bestow upon me if I make myself empty and surrender. I am trying so hard to get the thing I want and all my efforts are nothing. I have made almost no progress. I am a void and I find myself in a void. 0. I need to stop trying what I am trying. I need to just pray and ask for His grace. Maybe I am like the fentanyl addict in that way, like the girl in the video says, if He doesn't show up, I'm screwed. That's the position I find myself in, but I'm still trying to stay afloat by my own power. I think I have to surrender and take off the life vest I'm wearing, I don't see land in sight, I have no solutions or power to act, God can you help me?

-- No mind --

Putting it all together the best I can: I can do nothing. Everything good I have is because God gifted it to me even though I don't deserve it. On my own, I cannot solve my problems, I cannot get what I want. Until I get what I want and learn that it fails to ultimately fulfill me, I cannot be at peace. I need to admit powerlessness: God I am powerless over my desire for love, and I need to ask God for help/grace: God can you help me?

I need to surrender/be empty but I don't know how and I don't have the power to do so, I need His grace.

If I ask for grace, I don't need to think anymore about any of this. I can just ask for grace. Nothing else will get me out of this void I find myself in.

Tags: God, mental health

RE7

⳩ - Tue, 21 Jan 2025 12:22:42 PM

I liked this game a lot. It might be recency bias but I almost prefer it over RE2R, especially the section on the ship.

Tags: video games, pc